Last week my daughter’s varsity cheer squad competed in a national competition. They are a highly-talented and experienced group with the potential to win or at least place very high in the competition. Unfortunately, Murphy’s Law ruled and they placed a miserable 18th (out of 20 in the division). They were devastated.
Since I believe that all things really do work together for good (Romans 8:28), I’ve been thinking about what kind of good can come of this defeat. We learned:
Our self-worth is not tied to our achievements and defeat does not take away our gifts, talents and abilities.
Those who truly count in our lives love and accept us despite our defeat.
Sometimes we are better for having tried that which is difficult, even if we fail.
They could have played it safe and won handily with a simple routine that didn’t stretch or push them in any way. But their coach, recognizing their talent and abilities, crafted one of the most creative — and difficult — cheer routines I have ever seen. It required amazing strength, endurance and confidence; and it pressed them to learn new things that they would otherwise never have known; they were stretched to (and perhaps beyond) their limits.
Though winning is much more fun, I’m kind of glad they shot for the moon; maybe we all need to try something that is far too difficult from time to time, instead of always going with what we know is safe.
My girls, left, in 1992 (Sara Ann was one day old) and, right, on Mother’s Day 2007
My two girls have always been very close. They are three-and-a-half years apart in age, four grades apart in school, which works out marvelously where college is concerned.
I resolved early on, as soon as I knew I was pregnant with Sara Ann, that I would do everything in my power to ensure that their relationship was close. So when I went into labor, we took Elizabeth to the hospital with us, so she could see her new sister as soon as possible after her birth.
It didn’t work out that way — 24 hours of labor later, I had a C-section and Elizabeth (then 3 1/2) had to go home to sleep.
But the next day, she came to the hospital and held her sister for the first time. That was a profound moment for me, and I don’t think I was emotional just because of the hormones. She was then and always has been very careful, very maternal, very protective of her sister, and I know that Sara Ann looks up to her. It has been such a sweet thing to watch them grow and watch their relationship bloom.
One of the most satisfying things about my life now is watching how, despite their differences in personality and style, they genuinely love and enjoy one another. I love seeing them snuggle together in my bed to watch a TV show and help each other decide what to wear.
In the last couple of weeks I have been awarded the highest honor ever bestowed upon me. (Please pardon my messy desk.)
My youngest daughter’s friends are at our house a lot, and I frequently drive carpool to various places, so I’ve gotten to know them pretty well.
Last week we had a big party for my daughter’s birthday, and about 23 of her best friends were in attendance. At some point, they always use my computer to get on facebook. One of the girls stuck a note on my monitor that said “Emily loves Mrs. Beth,” and “your Ro-Tel dip is yum yum!” then another friend followed suit with “Austin loves Mrs. Beth,” with a heart. The girls spent the night, and when I came downstairs the next morning to check my email, they had placed colorful sticky notes all over the front of my monitor, all with their names, declaring their love for me.
I haven’t really done anything spectacular for these kids; I make them welcome in my home, cook for them, drive them around and just hang with them and talk and listen. It isn’t work; they are great kids and so much fun to have around. But I don’t think it takes that much to make them feel loved, valued and cared for — listening to the things that bug them, letting them vent when they need to, encouraging and accepting them as they are.
Yes, teenagers can be difficult at times. But it is this tangible encouragement that keeps me going and I cannot help but smile when I sit down at my computer and look at my notes.
And the Ro-Tel dip: simple and cheap. Just throw two cans of Ro-Tel tomatoes and two pounds of Velveeta into a crock pot, turn it on and watch the feeding frenzy in an hour or so.
Lillie Ammann, writer & editor, on her blog A Writer’s Words, An Editor’s Eye poses an interesting question about finding the right balance in life. I’m honored that she tagged me for a response, but I’m not sure that my answer will be as meaningful as perhaps Lillie had hoped.
I love gymnastics — in fact I used to be a pretty good tumbler myself. Believe it or not, this photo is of me in my younger days, practicing my back layout in the high school gym. I thought nothing of throwing myself through the air upside down, in fact I enjoyed it more than anything else during those years. As easily as I could throw a backflip on the floor, I never tried it on the balance beam. The thought of having only a four-inch strip of wood to land on made something I could do in my sleep seem terrifying. I never had faith enough in my own ability to plant my feet exactly where they needed to land.
It took a lot of concentration and energy to walk that thin line between standing and falling. I knew that if I fell, at worst I could be seriously injured; at best I would be embarrassed. I believe that trying to maintain balance during difficult times is a lot like walking a balance beam; there is a lot at stake, and if you don’t keep your focus, you will surely fall. In this difficult time of our lives (my husband’s position was eliminated at the end of last year and he’s still searching for a job), I’ve simply tried to keep the focus where I know it should be and keep from falling on my head!
How do you achieve balance in your life?
My time decisions are really easy, given the fact that I know my youngest daughter will leave for college in just three years. She is in school during the day, so I leave that time open for church and volunteer work, meetings, Bible study, and just time for myself. After-school time is hers, and evenings are for family time, unless there is something very important that just cannot be scheduled any other time. She has an active social life, so my husband and I plan our own social outings around that.
What is your biggest challenge in balancing your life?
Wanting to do everything. I have such a wide variety of interests, I am often in danger of spreading myself too thin.
What are your priorities?
This one is easy. 1. My faith 2. My family 3. Friends 4. Professional development/career goals
How have your priorities changed over time and why?
The only time I can say my priorities have really changed was when I first got married and again when I had my first child. Becoming a wife and, later a mother, completely took the focus off of me in my life. When I was single, I spent every spare dollar on clothes, going out, whatever I wanted. Then I got married and had my daughter a little more than a year after that. Suddenly I didn’t care what I wore, but it mattered a lot that she had beautiful clothes. Sad to say, It was the first time in my life that I actually thought about someone else’s needs before my own.
Basically for the past 13 years I have pretty much focused on #1 and #2, doing the best I can with #3, and, for the most part, working #4 in around #1 – 3. I know that I’ll have time when my youngest daughter (now 15) goes to college in a few short years.
What advice can you share to help all of us balance our own lives?
I’m probably not the one to give advice on that; my life is in a bit of turmoil right now with my husband’s job situation. But my faith is literally sustaining me right now, and my focus has been to keep things going here at home so we can ride out this storm. I’m giving my 15-year-old as much of me as possible, as it has been such a hard year for her with her sister leaving for college and my husband’s job loss — trying to keep home stabilized and provide safety and security for her.
I guess my only advice would be to go back to priority #1 — keep your faith strong, and it will sustain you through anything, and keep you balanced when your circumstances are out of balance.
I read a letter to the advice columnist in our local paper this morning — the mother of a young boy was upset because his friends frequently play at her house and they make a mess.I sent a reply to the column but I doubt that my response will ever see the light of day, so I decided to post it here, where it is equally unlikely that anyone will read it. But it makes me feel better.
As the mom of two teenage girls, I sent my oldest off to college this past fall, so now I have only one child at home. Her friends are over here all the time. We often have large groups for dinner and, yes, they are loud and they make a mess.
But messes can be cleaned up and kids are only “ours” for such a short time. What does it really matter if your house is a wreck? Mine is most of the time, but my daughter knows that her friends are always welcome and there will always be plenty of junk food! What better place for your child and their friends than in your own home?
My advice is to enjoy the confusion, chaos and mess while you can. I am. I know how quickly my oldest daughter’s high school years went by. Only three short years and I will have an empty nest. Then maybe I will finally have a neat, orderly house.
In three short years, I know that I will no longer need to make cheese dip in the big crockpot or buy those liter bottles of soft drinks. I probably won’t often have to melt marshmallows over the stove and stir in the Rice Krispies, and I won’t buy nearly as much brownie mix. But I will miss the noise, the yelling, screaming, drink-spilling chaos that generally rules my house at least one night most weekends. And I will really miss the hugs that I get when they leave. And most of all, I will miss the daily “Mom-ness” of my life as I’ve known it for the past 18 years.
Well, we did it. The day came and the day went. The college send-off was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m not sure it is possible for anything to be as hard as I thought that would be, but it was. Which is why it is November before I am able to write about something that happened in August.
We took her to college on a Friday; the next day we spent the entire day cleaning out the garage, because it hurt so much less to just be busy. And the garage was really, really messy.
It took me about 2-3 weeks before I didn’t cry at the dinner table, or when I watched one of our favorite TV shows, walked into her room, or looked at her picture. It wasn’t that I worried about her — I never really worried about her. I wasn’t afraid that she would stay out too late; actually, I figured that at some point she actually would stay out too late. It didn’t concern me at all that she would skip class or fail to study. I was a little concerned that she would fall off her high loft bed in the middle of the night, and that she would never find healthy food to feed her picky appetite.
But mostly, I just miss her. I miss her face, I miss doing things with her, talking to her. Maybe most of all, I miss watching her with her younger sister; as they shop together, swap clothing, compare notes on school, boys and how old Mom is. They are friends as well as sisters and that has always been so much fun to watch.
But over the next couple of months, we began to get used to her being gone, which is how I know that the human psyche can basically adjust to nearly anything! While at first I wondered if I would ever be able to feel normal again, normal now means that her room is dark and her car is not in the driveway. And when she comes to visit, the anticipation is sweet, the time flies by and hugs are much longer.
Transition is always scary. Our impulse is usually to stay where we are, as it is comfortable and it is what we know. But reaching into the unknown brings growth, maturity and the promise of even sweeter rewards. Though the process of letting go is the ultimate challenge of parenthood, it has brought the deepest satisfaction — as she has become not only daughter, but daughter and friend.
