This past Sunday, Mother’s Day, I celebrated my 20th anniversary of motherhood. It began about this time of year in 1988 — my first pregnancy. While lying on the couch one afternoon, I felt a strange fluttering in my abdomen, which I immediately recognized as life.
Some highlights of my 20 years as a mom:
My husband talked to my stomach throughout both pregnancies. My girls knew his voice and quieted to it at birth.
Nursing.
The first smile, solid food, step, word, hug, kiss, I love you. The first day of school, first day of middle school, first day of high school, first love, first kiss, first heartbreak.
The sex talk.
Many, many meals together around our kitchen table.
Being excited for her as she prepares for college while my heart breaks at the thought of her leaving my home.
My youngest daughter wraps her foot around mine when we snuggle, and says, yeah girl, when I call her. She knows that she can invite her friends over first and ask later.
My oldest daughter takes my hand during church, looks into my eyes, pulls me close to her and smiles. She sends me text messages and tells me she can’t wait to come home from college and hang out with me.
I miss the tiny shoes, huge hair bows, sticky hands, dirty faces and the innocence, but I love the conversations, lunches, shopping, text messages and the time when a daughter becomes a friend.
This photo was taken in the summer of 1994, when my girls were two and five-and-a-half. They are now 16 and 19. Time flies.
About 19 years ago I read a magazine article that talked about how we often wish our children’s lives away. I can’t wait until the first smile, can’t wait until they can sit up, crawl, walk, talk, or the biggie … use the potty. I stuck the article on my refrigerator as a reminder to savor each moment. Though I’ve long since lost the article, its truth has stayed with me through the years.
A guy I know from Twitter reminded me of that old magazine article. The other day I realized that as of this writing, I have exactly 16 more times to drive a child to school and pick her up — ever. Next year, she’ll drive herself to school and I will be through with carpool line forever.
Though there are many things about child rearing that aren’t particularly enjoyable, I’m never ready to leave them behind. Nothing particularly fun about carpool line. Sitting and waiting, then fighting traffic. Potty training wasn’t such a joy and being awakened in the middle of the night by a screaming baby certainly was no day at the beach.
Though I’m often called sappy and overly sentimental, I’m glad I’ve allowed myself to dwell in some of these moments for a bit. Yesterday it was pacifiers, strollers and carseats — today it’s boys, cars and college — and tomorrow’s empty nest will come far too quickly.
My girls, left, in 1992 (Sara Ann was one day old) and, right, on Mother’s Day 2007
My two girls have always been very close. They are three-and-a-half years apart in age, four grades apart in school, which works out marvelously where college is concerned.
I resolved early on, as soon as I knew I was pregnant with Sara Ann, that I would do everything in my power to ensure that their relationship was close. So when I went into labor, we took Elizabeth to the hospital with us, so she could see her new sister as soon as possible after her birth.
It didn’t work out that way — 24 hours of labor later, I had a C-section and Elizabeth (then 3 1/2) had to go home to sleep.
But the next day, she came to the hospital and held her sister for the first time. That was a profound moment for me, and I don’t think I was emotional just because of the hormones. She was then and always has been very careful, very maternal, very protective of her sister, and I know that Sara Ann looks up to her. It has been such a sweet thing to watch them grow and watch their relationship bloom.
One of the most satisfying things about my life now is watching how, despite their differences in personality and style, they genuinely love and enjoy one another. I love seeing them snuggle together in my bed to watch a TV show and help each other decide what to wear.
In the last couple of weeks I have been awarded the highest honor ever bestowed upon me. (Please pardon my messy desk.)
My youngest daughter’s friends are at our house a lot, and I frequently drive carpool to various places, so I’ve gotten to know them pretty well.
Last week we had a big party for my daughter’s birthday, and about 23 of her best friends were in attendance. At some point, they always use my computer to get on facebook. One of the girls stuck a note on my monitor that said “Emily loves Mrs. Beth,” and “your Ro-Tel dip is yum yum!” then another friend followed suit with “Austin loves Mrs. Beth,” with a heart. The girls spent the night, and when I came downstairs the next morning to check my email, they had placed colorful sticky notes all over the front of my monitor, all with their names, declaring their love for me.
I haven’t really done anything spectacular for these kids; I make them welcome in my home, cook for them, drive them around and just hang with them and talk and listen. It isn’t work; they are great kids and so much fun to have around. But I don’t think it takes that much to make them feel loved, valued and cared for — listening to the things that bug them, letting them vent when they need to, encouraging and accepting them as they are.
Yes, teenagers can be difficult at times. But it is this tangible encouragement that keeps me going and I cannot help but smile when I sit down at my computer and look at my notes.
And the Ro-Tel dip: simple and cheap. Just throw two cans of Ro-Tel tomatoes and two pounds of Velveeta into a crock pot, turn it on and watch the feeding frenzy in an hour or so.
Lillie Ammann, writer & editor, on her blog A Writer’s Words, An Editor’s Eye poses an interesting question about finding the right balance in life. I’m honored that she tagged me for a response, but I’m not sure that my answer will be as meaningful as perhaps Lillie had hoped.
I love gymnastics — in fact I used to be a pretty good tumbler myself. Believe it or not, this photo is of me in my younger days, practicing my back layout in the high school gym. I thought nothing of throwing myself through the air upside down, in fact I enjoyed it more than anything else during those years. As easily as I could throw a backflip on the floor, I never tried it on the balance beam. The thought of having only a four-inch strip of wood to land on made something I could do in my sleep seem terrifying. I never had faith enough in my own ability to plant my feet exactly where they needed to land.
It took a lot of concentration and energy to walk that thin line between standing and falling. I knew that if I fell, at worst I could be seriously injured; at best I would be embarrassed. I believe that trying to maintain balance during difficult times is a lot like walking a balance beam; there is a lot at stake, and if you don’t keep your focus, you will surely fall. In this difficult time of our lives (my husband’s position was eliminated at the end of last year and he’s still searching for a job), I’ve simply tried to keep the focus where I know it should be and keep from falling on my head!
How do you achieve balance in your life?
My time decisions are really easy, given the fact that I know my youngest daughter will leave for college in just three years. She is in school during the day, so I leave that time open for church and volunteer work, meetings, Bible study, and just time for myself. After-school time is hers, and evenings are for family time, unless there is something very important that just cannot be scheduled any other time. She has an active social life, so my husband and I plan our own social outings around that.
What is your biggest challenge in balancing your life?
Wanting to do everything. I have such a wide variety of interests, I am often in danger of spreading myself too thin.
What are your priorities?
This one is easy. 1. My faith 2. My family 3. Friends 4. Professional development/career goals
How have your priorities changed over time and why?
The only time I can say my priorities have really changed was when I first got married and again when I had my first child. Becoming a wife and, later a mother, completely took the focus off of me in my life. When I was single, I spent every spare dollar on clothes, going out, whatever I wanted. Then I got married and had my daughter a little more than a year after that. Suddenly I didn’t care what I wore, but it mattered a lot that she had beautiful clothes. Sad to say, It was the first time in my life that I actually thought about someone else’s needs before my own.
Basically for the past 13 years I have pretty much focused on #1 and #2, doing the best I can with #3, and, for the most part, working #4 in around #1 – 3. I know that I’ll have time when my youngest daughter (now 15) goes to college in a few short years.
What advice can you share to help all of us balance our own lives?
I’m probably not the one to give advice on that; my life is in a bit of turmoil right now with my husband’s job situation. But my faith is literally sustaining me right now, and my focus has been to keep things going here at home so we can ride out this storm. I’m giving my 15-year-old as much of me as possible, as it has been such a hard year for her with her sister leaving for college and my husband’s job loss — trying to keep home stabilized and provide safety and security for her.
I guess my only advice would be to go back to priority #1 — keep your faith strong, and it will sustain you through anything, and keep you balanced when your circumstances are out of balance.
I read a letter to the advice columnist in our local paper this morning — the mother of a young boy was upset because his friends frequently play at her house and they make a mess.I sent a reply to the column but I doubt that my response will ever see the light of day, so I decided to post it here, where it is equally unlikely that anyone will read it. But it makes me feel better.
As the mom of two teenage girls, I sent my oldest off to college this past fall, so now I have only one child at home. Her friends are over here all the time. We often have large groups for dinner and, yes, they are loud and they make a mess.
But messes can be cleaned up and kids are only “ours” for such a short time. What does it really matter if your house is a wreck? Mine is most of the time, but my daughter knows that her friends are always welcome and there will always be plenty of junk food! What better place for your child and their friends than in your own home?
My advice is to enjoy the confusion, chaos and mess while you can. I am. I know how quickly my oldest daughter’s high school years went by. Only three short years and I will have an empty nest. Then maybe I will finally have a neat, orderly house.
In three short years, I know that I will no longer need to make cheese dip in the big crockpot or buy those liter bottles of soft drinks. I probably won’t often have to melt marshmallows over the stove and stir in the Rice Krispies, and I won’t buy nearly as much brownie mix. But I will miss the noise, the yelling, screaming, drink-spilling chaos that generally rules my house at least one night most weekends. And I will really miss the hugs that I get when they leave. And most of all, I will miss the daily “Mom-ness” of my life as I’ve known it for the past 18 years.
